Smeared. But hoping.

To be in pain,
To hear the words you do not wish to,
The voice inside then says, "I hope I could disappear, and when I come back it will be perfect again."
Wondering, thinking, What the hell's to be done.


To hear that to have you is a loss,
To console even through the pain,
And then to hear them abuse your care saying, "Stop acting like you care."

To be unable to talk when things can be made right.
To be unable to say the right things.
To wish the person would calm down so you can talk,
And when they do, to be blamed for the silence too.


And still hoping,
Through the stabbing pain,
That,  "I'll somehow make it okay."
I will try again.

And I shall Return.

No matter how hurt I am.
No matter how much pride I claim, Whenever I break,
You will be my solace, To whom I shall return.


When I see myself surrounded by those,
Who have made me doubt my very integrity,
When I start questioning my inbuilt strength,
You, my guiding light, to you I shall return.

When I feel the darkness of despair,
Engulf me, in and around me,
When I feel no power to move on,
With every belief you're there waiting,
My strength, to You I shall return.


But when I find that,
You my love, are no longer there to hold me,
when I find myself being curbed,
When  my weakness gives way,
When I'll feel my knees wobble,
in the weight of pain being thrashed at me,
Then, in my memories of your arms around me,
To them, I shall return.

And I'm sure,
It will sustain me.

And to them I shall return. 

Uncertainties.

They lurk behind the scenes.
 We run. Run far away.
 Escape them for a transient moment.
 Moment enough to take a deep breath.
 It's all fine. All fine till the moment we breathe out.

 And then they reappear again.
 Making us wonder what we've done,going to do, might do.
 Logic says, "It's either yes or no."
 Love is there or its not.
Either you're dead or alive.
Either you want or you don't.

 But the uncertainties still lurk behind the scenes.
 Making us human. Teaching us lessons. Helping us survive.


 And then, we make the choice.
 And life goes on.

 And yet! Yet the uncertainties lurking in the shadows causes within me fear unwarranted for.
I can't run from it.
I can't face it.
I can't stand it.
Just can't live with it.

 But it persists.
And then, life goes on.

Phoenix

We met, We talked. and I thought I had a friend.
We shared, We laughed. And I thought I had a friend.
We opened up, We bitched too.
And I thought I had a friend.
Together We went, We explored. And I thought I had a friend.


But now when I look back, I see it.
I see that it was never "we" to you. It was just "I".
I see the scheming. I see the lies. I see the fraudulent ways.
I see Your fraudulent ways.
I see the hurt. I see the pain.
I see a sore in my heart that festered.
It festered for a long time.

And then,
it no longer mattered.

I did not know for a while if I was numb to it.
Or if I grew used to it.


But, now I see it.
It's just that now I know,
You no longer matter to me.
Not in the least.


And I'm glad it happened.
I'm no longer in the cheat of thinking you are a friend.

I learnt it the hard way.

But in the end I'm glad I did.

And I'm grateful to you for it.

You made me wiser for the next time.
And there will be a next time for me.

For now, I feel the scent of freedom.

It's beautiful.

Forgive Me.

I try to say it.

I try to get the words out.

The thoughts are all there.

Settled in my head.

In a very defined way.

I understand.

I can make it better for you.

I know it.

But I don't know how to formulate my words and reach out to you.

And therein lies my fear.

The fear that this is why I might lose you.

You, who mean the world to me.

And if that happens, please be proud to say that I loved you.

And I loved you the best.

And always remember that,

forever will I love you.

Forever will you light my world.

And forgive me, for I could not give you the best.

And that is all that you deserve.