O my Creator, how do I fall in love with you again?
How do I bind myself to you like before and crush this divide?

My Creator, how oh how do I love you again...

Ponder# 4

We might try making a point, but then see it’s in vain. It’s like drowning in a tank of water. Not an ocean or a river, but a tank. The tank is closing in and we can’t even thrash our hands and feet. We can’t stop the flow of water and obviously can’t swim out of it.

It’s quite shamefacedly then that we confess how we strive on this choking feeling that seems to surround us. We are hurting, we can get out, and we’re just not doing it. Breaking free is easy, just a few words away, and still we shy away.

And therefore then, we face it all over again, our goddamn bloody cowardice. We live on the crumbs of others, like a dog feeding on leftovers.

There are better ways of survival. We need to find one.

All steps have been taken by the supernatural to make life not so monotonous.
We can't look into the future. We don't know if we will wake up tomorrow but we set the alarm, we cross the road, and we are never sure if a vehicle might just appear out of nowhere and smash us to pieces. In fact we know very little.

So, who the hell are we to say if life is too long or short.
And we can't even say "Take it as it comes". Nobody wants to take being crushed under the debris after an earthquake.

Nagging unanswered question is, how do we take it?
We should not be doing anything and just let chaos reign.

I have written this post in a fit of utter laziness and boredom. I wish that all we had to do ever was wake, eat, read a book, watch a movie and sleep again. It's a fit of boredom I hope, shall pass soon.
Excuse the temporary madness.

P.S. Everybody around me seems to have at least one life changing event. I want mine!

Ponder#3

turn. look
Talk. Properly (Again)
Turn back.
Wrong talk. wrong notion.
Few days later, realization. (with abuses)
Damn!
Turn. Kneel. Yawp.

Life is an utter mess.
Changes to become only what it already is.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Yes, it changes differently each time,
But remains what it is.

Essence is always the same you see.

Image

Deep in the recesses of my heart hangs a picture of myself
God knows who painted it and when
There it remains hidden from me and my friends
but if ever I glimpse it, even by accident,
My heart shudders at the comparison with myself.

-Fahmida Riaz

He walked along with a smile on his lips. He held a rose in one hand...gently caressed it with the other and walked on. A wayward leaf of the autumn brushes past his smoothly shaven cheek and he lapses back into that beautiful memory...

Her hand brushes his cheek..caressing it before leaning up to kiss him. It's their day out. After weeks of exams and busy schedule they meet in the peaceful tranquility of the garden...lying back on the ground they gaze at the sky..thinking of the days to come, of the things to do...

The biker misses him by mere inches, hurls an abuse and he jolts back to the present. With a shocked smile he gives himself a mental shake and carries on.

Crossing the over to the other side of the road..he looks to his left and before fully turning back, he sees a boy and a girl, arguing. The girl raises her hands over her head in frustrated hopelessness. He looks at them with a smile playing on his lips nad remembers the time...

"Why can't you just stop!" she screams, "How much does it take?!" "I'm trying alright! Okay, this was my last. I wont touch a fag again. I swear." She shakes her head, picks up her bag and walks out of the park. He follows her wordlessly..head hanging in shame...

He jolts himself from that memory. Caresses his side pocket again. stops and takes out the tiny box, and opens it. The stud on the ring catches the rays of the sun and winks at him. He plays his index finger on the ring. closes the lid and puts the box back in his pocket and walks on.

He reaches the busy street where she now is. Opens the rusted gates that creak. He walks towards her, he knows she is waiting. They planned it so. He kicks a small stone on the way, smiles, taps his foot twice.

He then reaches into his pocket and pulls out the box. He removes the ring, and going down on one knee, places it on the cold marble that is now her bed.

"Congratulations darling," he says. "We are engaged today. Six months from now, and we will be married."

He gets up, makes to dust his jeans, but then leaves it so. With a last look he turns to leave. At the gate, again he stops, turns and says, "Where ever you are, I will always love you. See you, until then..." He blows her a kiss...and leaves.

Just to Ponder @ 2

Sometimes I feel that the basic amenity of life is trust. Everything revolves around it, be it business, education, love, family, friendship...it all starts with the trust you place on the other person.

And ironically, its this trust that one can't place in people. No matter how much you test a person, measure them upside down, shake them up and study closely, there always remains a loophole. A need to reconfirm.

I feel I learnt it the hard way.

There are always those deep dark secrets you carry around. Actions and reactions, moments of weakness, stupidities, and thee quick recovery methods you take up, ain't there?

In the end of it all, after getting out of the state of shock and the state of depression we realize, "Holy shit. What did I do?" And then we worry about the future, about the things to come, the consequence to face.
And we realize that we are in neck deep shit.
In the words of F. Scott Fitzgerald, "Cracked like an old plate."

It's real bad you know. This feeling of loss raised to the power two. The one incurred by trying to get out of the other.
And herein comes the third mistake. We try to find solace. In the process we begin to trust people. And in the due process we find one genuine person, at least who we think is genuine, and we spill our hearts out.
And feel the relief flooding in.

And then one day, we find that very person standing across with those against you.
Here the gut wrenching loss to the power infinity, and think, "Shit man, what the hell was I thinking?!"
The worst part is you will never know whether they spilled the heart u spilled to the rest in the form of beans, but the insecurity will always eat you away.

And then you learn the hard way that its better to have things kept buried in. And not let it out. And let your insides burn up in that acidic reaction.
It's better to have that misdeed you did at first kill you rather than have it shared and joked about.

Trust my friend...well...remains an impenetrable unsolvable mystery. For all ages to come, I presume.