Smeared. But hoping.

To be in pain,
To hear the words you do not wish to,
The voice inside then says, "I hope I could disappear, and when I come back it will be perfect again."
Wondering, thinking, What the hell's to be done.


To hear that to have you is a loss,
To console even through the pain,
And then to hear them abuse your care saying, "Stop acting like you care."

To be unable to talk when things can be made right.
To be unable to say the right things.
To wish the person would calm down so you can talk,
And when they do, to be blamed for the silence too.


And still hoping,
Through the stabbing pain,
That,  "I'll somehow make it okay."
I will try again.

And I shall Return.

No matter how hurt I am.
No matter how much pride I claim, Whenever I break,
You will be my solace, To whom I shall return.


When I see myself surrounded by those,
Who have made me doubt my very integrity,
When I start questioning my inbuilt strength,
You, my guiding light, to you I shall return.

When I feel the darkness of despair,
Engulf me, in and around me,
When I feel no power to move on,
With every belief you're there waiting,
My strength, to You I shall return.


But when I find that,
You my love, are no longer there to hold me,
when I find myself being curbed,
When  my weakness gives way,
When I'll feel my knees wobble,
in the weight of pain being thrashed at me,
Then, in my memories of your arms around me,
To them, I shall return.

And I'm sure,
It will sustain me.

And to them I shall return. 

Uncertainties.

They lurk behind the scenes.
 We run. Run far away.
 Escape them for a transient moment.
 Moment enough to take a deep breath.
 It's all fine. All fine till the moment we breathe out.

 And then they reappear again.
 Making us wonder what we've done,going to do, might do.
 Logic says, "It's either yes or no."
 Love is there or its not.
Either you're dead or alive.
Either you want or you don't.

 But the uncertainties still lurk behind the scenes.
 Making us human. Teaching us lessons. Helping us survive.


 And then, we make the choice.
 And life goes on.

 And yet! Yet the uncertainties lurking in the shadows causes within me fear unwarranted for.
I can't run from it.
I can't face it.
I can't stand it.
Just can't live with it.

 But it persists.
And then, life goes on.

Phoenix

We met, We talked. and I thought I had a friend.
We shared, We laughed. And I thought I had a friend.
We opened up, We bitched too.
And I thought I had a friend.
Together We went, We explored. And I thought I had a friend.


But now when I look back, I see it.
I see that it was never "we" to you. It was just "I".
I see the scheming. I see the lies. I see the fraudulent ways.
I see Your fraudulent ways.
I see the hurt. I see the pain.
I see a sore in my heart that festered.
It festered for a long time.

And then,
it no longer mattered.

I did not know for a while if I was numb to it.
Or if I grew used to it.


But, now I see it.
It's just that now I know,
You no longer matter to me.
Not in the least.


And I'm glad it happened.
I'm no longer in the cheat of thinking you are a friend.

I learnt it the hard way.

But in the end I'm glad I did.

And I'm grateful to you for it.

You made me wiser for the next time.
And there will be a next time for me.

For now, I feel the scent of freedom.

It's beautiful.

Forgive Me.

I try to say it.

I try to get the words out.

The thoughts are all there.

Settled in my head.

In a very defined way.

I understand.

I can make it better for you.

I know it.

But I don't know how to formulate my words and reach out to you.

And therein lies my fear.

The fear that this is why I might lose you.

You, who mean the world to me.

And if that happens, please be proud to say that I loved you.

And I loved you the best.

And always remember that,

forever will I love you.

Forever will you light my world.

And forgive me, for I could not give you the best.

And that is all that you deserve.

Calming down the Mangled.

Shirking from memories.
Not just your own.
Sealed in a smile of a photograph, thoughts that come back to life.
Is this sense of possession a road to misery?
Is this need to belong deplorable?
Is this urge of submission dangerous?
If so, then why do I see at the end of this misery, this deplorable road, this danger,
A light so bright. Engulfing my doubts, smothering my pain, blowing away the scars that have been torn open time and again.
Even if its so, I will live in it.
Let itself wrap around me.
If it comes to an end,
Then in the memories, not just my own, I will live those moments again.

Piercing the Bubble of Pain

OK. So we all enter relationships. Fall in and out of love. But along the lane meet a person, one special person, who leaves a permanent mark, like permanent footprints on the shore of our hearts. And that is the time we realize that we have fallen completely in love for the first time. And if it happens that we have to leave, we will have the hardest time falling out of love.
It will amaze us that we will still respect the relationship we had with the person. We won't resort to cheap means to gain our nerves. There will be times when with friends, tears will form on their accord, nights will be disturbed and sleepless, loneliness will engulf you even in the midst of a crowd. That is because the crowd, the people, the friends- nothing will have a meaning. The person who did mean the world, the most, who meant everything to you, is no longer yours to call.
To have loved, to have been held, to have cried in each others arms, to have been totally and completely honest, to have given it your all, to have built dreams, and then to see it all fall... that's the worst that can happen to anybody.
They say that "To have loved and lost is better than not to have loved at all". But I guess they forgot to add that to have loved, and lost is the worst pain one can endure.
So if you love someone, take care, be brave, think, talk, make changes, tell each other their flaws and work on it soon-before its too late.
Because nobody can understand your pain, the pain of losing your love. They would just ask you to move on, or may say that time will heal your wounds. Well, moving on does not happen, neither does time heal the wounds. What happens is that you numb yourself to the pain inside, you become immune to the lump that forms in your throat, ignore the burning of your insides.
What will make you smile, after a long long time, is the love you were lucky to have. The assured protection, the promise of being there for each other. A person who was there when the world turned against you. The only person who understood you. The only one you let to understand your thoughts, emotions and feelings.
And you will live in those memories. You will learn how to. That is what time will teach you, to not to cry, But to smile and bless the person who taught you one lesson, perhaps the only valuable lesson in life, The lesson of loving without boundaries.
And you will live. On that love you received, you will live.

And this is for the love I had.
Take care my love. And be happy. I failed you. And I hope wish and pray there is someone out there to give you all the happiness I could not give you.
Be happy. Be blessed.
And remember that I will always love you.

Peace.

Feel It?

Now how would you feel if you're ostracized for honesty?
That churning if the insides when you see the person who's the liar in vision take all the glory? That turning of your stomach when you know the worse things that very person has done but you choose to quiet because you want a difference between the person and you? And you know that if you speak up, ostracism would be their cup of tea?
It feels miserable. You feel feeble inside. Alone and disturbed wondering what went wrong. You wonder if Dishonesty is actually a way out. It hurts your very being because in a whole new place you had just begun to be friends with a whole new set of people..Who you now realize weren't worth the affection or place in your life.
But in the end it passes. Every turn in life is a lesson learnt. It might seem like a totally cliched dialogue but believe you me that the people who you had this way, giving so much pain, are not worth it. Nobody who doesn't understand honesty is worth it. And worse are those who understand and still keep their traps shut to stay in the good books. And good books of those who have no idea of what exactly "good" is.
So, in the end, its better to leave it and move on. Life is too short to crib about those who have the least bit of morals or character. Double faced bitches are cowards who can't say it out. Or Just too mean to be human. All they need is "oh please be with me I need attention". Nothing can be done about those conniving little liars.
So show them the finger and tell them to get a life.
If they lost you and you're real and right, boy! What could be better for you and worse for them!?!
That's all you would ever need: staying true to yourself. Because at the end of the day, its you and your conscience. And if that gives you a tough time, you're ruined. Truth is all you need. Rest can rot in the hell.

Peace.