Image

Deep in the recesses of my heart hangs a picture of myself
God knows who painted it and when
There it remains hidden from me and my friends
but if ever I glimpse it, even by accident,
My heart shudders at the comparison with myself.

-Fahmida Riaz

He walked along with a smile on his lips. He held a rose in one hand...gently caressed it with the other and walked on. A wayward leaf of the autumn brushes past his smoothly shaven cheek and he lapses back into that beautiful memory...

Her hand brushes his cheek..caressing it before leaning up to kiss him. It's their day out. After weeks of exams and busy schedule they meet in the peaceful tranquility of the garden...lying back on the ground they gaze at the sky..thinking of the days to come, of the things to do...

The biker misses him by mere inches, hurls an abuse and he jolts back to the present. With a shocked smile he gives himself a mental shake and carries on.

Crossing the over to the other side of the road..he looks to his left and before fully turning back, he sees a boy and a girl, arguing. The girl raises her hands over her head in frustrated hopelessness. He looks at them with a smile playing on his lips nad remembers the time...

"Why can't you just stop!" she screams, "How much does it take?!" "I'm trying alright! Okay, this was my last. I wont touch a fag again. I swear." She shakes her head, picks up her bag and walks out of the park. He follows her wordlessly..head hanging in shame...

He jolts himself from that memory. Caresses his side pocket again. stops and takes out the tiny box, and opens it. The stud on the ring catches the rays of the sun and winks at him. He plays his index finger on the ring. closes the lid and puts the box back in his pocket and walks on.

He reaches the busy street where she now is. Opens the rusted gates that creak. He walks towards her, he knows she is waiting. They planned it so. He kicks a small stone on the way, smiles, taps his foot twice.

He then reaches into his pocket and pulls out the box. He removes the ring, and going down on one knee, places it on the cold marble that is now her bed.

"Congratulations darling," he says. "We are engaged today. Six months from now, and we will be married."

He gets up, makes to dust his jeans, but then leaves it so. With a last look he turns to leave. At the gate, again he stops, turns and says, "Where ever you are, I will always love you. See you, until then..." He blows her a kiss...and leaves.

Just to Ponder @ 2

Sometimes I feel that the basic amenity of life is trust. Everything revolves around it, be it business, education, love, family, friendship...it all starts with the trust you place on the other person.

And ironically, its this trust that one can't place in people. No matter how much you test a person, measure them upside down, shake them up and study closely, there always remains a loophole. A need to reconfirm.

I feel I learnt it the hard way.

There are always those deep dark secrets you carry around. Actions and reactions, moments of weakness, stupidities, and thee quick recovery methods you take up, ain't there?

In the end of it all, after getting out of the state of shock and the state of depression we realize, "Holy shit. What did I do?" And then we worry about the future, about the things to come, the consequence to face.
And we realize that we are in neck deep shit.
In the words of F. Scott Fitzgerald, "Cracked like an old plate."

It's real bad you know. This feeling of loss raised to the power two. The one incurred by trying to get out of the other.
And herein comes the third mistake. We try to find solace. In the process we begin to trust people. And in the due process we find one genuine person, at least who we think is genuine, and we spill our hearts out.
And feel the relief flooding in.

And then one day, we find that very person standing across with those against you.
Here the gut wrenching loss to the power infinity, and think, "Shit man, what the hell was I thinking?!"
The worst part is you will never know whether they spilled the heart u spilled to the rest in the form of beans, but the insecurity will always eat you away.

And then you learn the hard way that its better to have things kept buried in. And not let it out. And let your insides burn up in that acidic reaction.
It's better to have that misdeed you did at first kill you rather than have it shared and joked about.

Trust my friend...well...remains an impenetrable unsolvable mystery. For all ages to come, I presume.

Just To Ponder.

Beauty. The need of it however much refuted, is always sought. The defined conceptions make some the "other". The ones accepted almost always make it a point to declare their victory.

It also happens that the colonialist conception of "White is Beautiful" has still not died out.
And one finds solace in Nadine Gordimer's description of the White skin. They are like plain white paper she says. Like an incomplete picture. Whereas we, the "colored" ones are the complete painting. Full of hues and complete.

I hate to admit but yes I suffer from the terrible complex from having the worst skin possessed by human flesh. There is nothing I have not had on my face. Well, almost. And I am trying to grow into that phase where I just won't care. Because I have so much more than your looks.

So, I'll see you when you wash my car.
*smug wink*

The Eunuch Rises.

Where the hell does it stop?!
You walk on roads, you get it there.
You wait for a bus , you get it there.
You get on the bus, you get it there too.

I can't go on writing where all you get it, because the moment you step out of your house, the male population around you seems to waiting to get a share of whatever you can offer. An "excusable slip" of the hand, a remark to testify how bloody horny they are, or they might just rape you with their eyes.

Here is a recent "event" of my life. While coming back from my college, wondering about the number of assignments to be done, and abusing a few teachers in my head, I felt a whack on my cheek. And no, it was not the almighty's command to behave myself, it was some *&^%*#@ who wanted to have his share of fun. Of course stoning is entertaining.

What I wonder about is how the hell do you vent your urges by stoning people?! Not that frisking and fondling girls in buses is going to help much, but stoning?

The worst part remains that many blame people from small towns, illiterates and the likes. But this evil cannot be blamed on any part of society as such. In the poshest areas of the city, while waiting for dad, in broad daylight, there was a guy standing next to me, on a Harley Davidson Fat Bob.
Talking on his phone in fluent English he was asking about some graduate course.
And before leaving, with a smug look on his face, he had a question for me too, "Maal degi kya?"

And you if belong to the lot who thinks clothes provoke people, I only wear kurtis.
And the argument is useless anyway. We women should be raping half the population of the city by now, with the number of them peeing on the road!

Bloody hell dammit, maybe YOU think it's a mans world.
But I choose to live here anywhich way I choose.
**** you.

How thick are you?!

We all find ways of insulting our adversaries.
One of the cheapest ways of doing it through public discussion. And because their are N number of people present, the idea of it being directed at you would seem ludicrous. It may or may not be true, but somewhere we and they know. And many more know.
And so there we have it.

A famous politician once gave an awesome example. When there's a cyclone or flood, its the upright trees that are uprooted, the grass simply bends with the flow of the strong current and remain intact.

So, this girl, lets call her pigeon, has this old enmity. And honestly has gone to great lengths to embarrass me. And I have almost always never answered back. I mean come on, I really do have better things to do. And, lets keep this between us, I have even spoken my mind about her to many. When I really could not take the double standards being played out so beautifully.

Yeah, so it happens that when I was faced with this public-speaking-but-cant't-answer-back dilemma, I at first was speechless at her hardness, consider here the fact I had apologized and put it behind. And I apologized knowing that I'm not the only one at fault.
And the second emotion I felt was that of bubbling laughter because I realized what incredible double standards, and how idiotically comfortable in her own world she was.

Umm, looking at the event briefly, it was about looking at the other side of the problem (that is hatred) and unrestrictive parents.
Well, the other side she never seeked before or after or during the "trial".
And (this is funny) parents are restricting because of your code of conduct. Please read that as our little princess has the perfect set of manners and has never messed up.

Third, was the concept of "girly". Again I quote, "Who are you to say, "Oh my god you're so girly!""
What she meant here was that nobody is to comment on what the other wears or dresses like. If you don't like it, keep it to yourself.


Well the first one is not even worth a thought. Our pigeon is the sort who would never approach or make the first move, wants her way throughout. And the worst part is use for her benefit the people she can't stand the sight of. Anything I can bear, but hypocrisy...it plays havoc on my nerves.

The second thing of restrictive parents, hers never question her. Pigeon has the liberty to come and go as she pleases. In fact, she wants some restriction on her, she asks for it! And because that's her scenario at home, all the parents who usually don't allow such freedom have kids they can't trust, since, and I quote, "Nobody can trust you like your parents do."


Well beauty, my mother has seen rape victims aged 6 months. Helped medically examine daughters raped by fathers, little girls by their brothers, wives with 90% burns and yet when it came to my job, she din't question my being out upto 1 a.m.
She wont allow me the basic night outs and other "sport" that you enjoy, and I can understand why. But still she has made sufficient room every now and again.
I have been angry for never being allowed the "fly away freedom" but there are ways I have to make adjustments for the woman whose very life revolves around me. Its not me she distrusts, its the world I step into when I step out of my house.

To the third, more than half the people I call my close friends are extremely girly. They dress well. They have an excellent judgement of color combination. They even discuss the latest trends and beauty tips with me. I admire these people and thoroughly enjoy their company and they have these aspects where I lack. I am perfectly content with my common blue jeans and a simple tee. I can't simply think beyond that, because my faculties somehow stop working when it comes to dressing. And these "girly" friends of mine are awesome.
I have called a person "girly" for a specific reason.
She knows, and din't care a damn.
You do because you simply can't mind your own business and have to butt into mine.
Get a life!

Really!

Man. I really never thought she would be so complacent. And cheap, considering the means with which she put forth her "modern views". (Modern! Kiss my ass! I can't think of a more closed mind). And now that I know, I am going to sit back and enjoy the mockery of this self proclaimed free thinking modernist.

The thought gives me immeasurable sadistic happiness.
Oh pleasure! Be mine!
;)

What You Never Knew.

It is so easy to say things and not regret them. And then regret them late.

We have often given the freedom to some, those special some people, to say what they wish or comes to their mind...but if in thoughtlessness we say things and explain later, it's never enough. 

And it so happens that in moments like these you get to know what they feel and think.

Anger makes you say things to hurt others, but it also brings out what you feel inside, the thoughts of the subconscious. 

And so these come as shocking revelations.

But true they are, its said.

And then arrives the question of, what was it all this while? A lie? A useless thing that you shared where your role was nil and useless? Was the "need" a lie too? A farce all of it? And when did it begin to be so? all the sharing, the tears, the joy, the pain, the questions, the hope, the dreams..what was all that?

And then there also is a time when you think, when I forgave all, can't I be allowed a mistake?

When I gave the chance to improvise, can't I have my turn too?

Its so easy to say how useless the other is, when in a million ways, which you would never know, they have blessed, prayed and loved you.

All those nittygritties. Small things.

I counted it all my friend. You left them far behind.

And so today, I never had any use, and probably never will then.

Peace.