I want to sit back with a glass of wine, preferably red, and look back at my  life. I want to be in my balcony and look out at the sea...I want to feel its vastness within me. I want to feel in that moment the eternity we live in this short life.

I want to count the chances I missed, people I've lost, all the heartbreaks that made me after shattering me a bit every time.
I want to feel the wind against my face and in it taste the freedom I have earned- the independence from all the encroaching proprieties that held me back.
I want to sit back and ponder how human I am, and the times I have easily shut down my conscience to go forth and grab what belonged to another. I want to count off the people I cheated. I want to see if knowing it all would tear me apart with remorse or would I just shrug it off.

I want to lean into the sound of the waves lapping at each other...and reach out to that life force that sustained me all the while through thick and thin.
At last, I want to reach out to that peaceful bliss, delve deeper into its solace of unrestricted, unhindered, irrevocable sleep.

I want to be at rest, at last. Eternally.
It is not death that I wish for, but a serene sense of calm in which I can hold myself together and claim my life for my own, with all its mistakes and shortcomings, and all the sorrows that it brings with it.

I want to say with complete dignity, I am Me. And I love every moment of it.

Heart

Heart, we will forget him,
You and I, tonight!
You must forget the warmth he gave,
I will forget the light.

When you have done pray tell me,
Then I, my thoughts, will dim.
Haste! ‘lest while you’re lagging
I may remember him!

 -Emily Dickinson

Ponder#5

Even the complete knowledge of you being better than the one you hate cannot serve as a fire extinguisher for you.
And this hatred seems like a burning fire, eating down on you.
But still we hate. Really hate to see them do better than you.
Don't we.

O my Creator, how do I fall in love with you again?
How do I bind myself to you like before and crush this divide?

My Creator, how oh how do I love you again...

Ponder# 4

We might try making a point, but then see it’s in vain. It’s like drowning in a tank of water. Not an ocean or a river, but a tank. The tank is closing in and we can’t even thrash our hands and feet. We can’t stop the flow of water and obviously can’t swim out of it.

It’s quite shamefacedly then that we confess how we strive on this choking feeling that seems to surround us. We are hurting, we can get out, and we’re just not doing it. Breaking free is easy, just a few words away, and still we shy away.

And therefore then, we face it all over again, our goddamn bloody cowardice. We live on the crumbs of others, like a dog feeding on leftovers.

There are better ways of survival. We need to find one.

All steps have been taken by the supernatural to make life not so monotonous.
We can't look into the future. We don't know if we will wake up tomorrow but we set the alarm, we cross the road, and we are never sure if a vehicle might just appear out of nowhere and smash us to pieces. In fact we know very little.

So, who the hell are we to say if life is too long or short.
And we can't even say "Take it as it comes". Nobody wants to take being crushed under the debris after an earthquake.

Nagging unanswered question is, how do we take it?
We should not be doing anything and just let chaos reign.

I have written this post in a fit of utter laziness and boredom. I wish that all we had to do ever was wake, eat, read a book, watch a movie and sleep again. It's a fit of boredom I hope, shall pass soon.
Excuse the temporary madness.

P.S. Everybody around me seems to have at least one life changing event. I want mine!

Ponder#3

turn. look
Talk. Properly (Again)
Turn back.
Wrong talk. wrong notion.
Few days later, realization. (with abuses)
Damn!
Turn. Kneel. Yawp.

Life is an utter mess.
Changes to become only what it already is.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Yes, it changes differently each time,
But remains what it is.

Essence is always the same you see.